In Ernie Larsen's book "Stage II Recovery: Life Beyond Addiction" I began to understand the difference between a substance addiction and a process addiction. When I use the term addiction, I usually think of a drug. Drug addiction is a substance addiction like alcoholism is a substance addiction. As I started my recovery process, I began to see that I had an addictive personality where I sought things outside myself to distract, numb or medicate the dis-ease I felt within myself. Some of these addictions were part of life and I was not able to do without such as food or sex or relationships. I discovered that these are called "process" addictions.
What sets them apart from drugs or alcohol is I can't follow the advice of "just don't take the first bite." I have to eat. I also discovered that these process addictions are tied deeply into our survival programming...that is eating, sex and love or belonging are all crucial to one's being able to successfully continue living. There are strong positive and almost immediate rewards for eating, having sex and being loved.
I hated the places where my darkness took me. Eating junk food and comfort foods and then pretending that I was eating healthy...lying to people which created a fear cycle that perpetuated my emotional eating. Or staying in relationships because I was afraid to be alone only to find myself laying in bed with someone that I felt I didn't love. That is one of the worst feelings to be in bed next to someone I didn't even think I could love. But being too afraid to leave and to live alone and to face the loneliness that I pushed deep inside.
So, those patterns can last what seems a lifetime and they can lead to even crazier behaviors. I've heard of people banned from supermarkets because the manager knows them as the person who eats their way around the aisles and never buys anything. What the manager doesn't know is that person once outside and alone, purges/vomits all that they have eaten. That emptiness cannot be filled with something that doesn't bring love. God, to remember my story and the stories of others is to touch on some real pain.
So, now I use that pain to correct my choices today. I remember the loneliness and emptiness and I ask myself "In this moment am I 100% committed to not emotionally eat?" In this moment before I eat, I can stop the madness by choosing serenity over the insanity.
My favorite phrase is "It's simple, not easy." One day, it will be easier. I know. I have experienced it so. And I will again.
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