Well, three days ago I would not have thought that I would go three days without drinking coffee or coke! And I have done it. Day 1....excruciating headache, the toxic kind where it feels like the whole inside of my skull is throbbing. Sleeping did not get rid of it either! I did not start off the day by thinking no coffe or soda, it just worked that way. Boom, a toxic headache by late afternoon. I drank plenty of water to flush the system and to no avail...it was just one of those things that was a wake up call as to how much coffee and caffeine from sodas I have been consuming!
Day 2, first thought was get a coffee on the way to the gym which is my normal routine. Instead, I went straight to the gym. I ate all my meals at the office that day, using the microwave to warm up my meals. Still I wanted to "treat" myself to a latte or a mocha and I said "no, not today."
Day 3, I actually am not craving to have a coffee or a soda yet! I am drinking more water and drinking some almond milk (which is really tasty!).
So, tomorrow morning I will be at my business networking group where I usually have coffee. In this moment, I am 100% committed to not eating emotionally, to not give in to those triggers that want extra cream and 2 packs of sugar in my coffee! It will be okay, no matter what. In this moment right now, I am okay, feeling sleepy and getting ready to end my day.
So to end my day, I reflect on what I accomplished and on what I am grateful for. And I am feeling good...had broccoli, a sweet potatoe, strawberries and blueberries, some rye krisp with peanut butter...I did not go for any trigger food...chewed some gum this morning during a Board of directors meeting instead of having coffee...that was a success!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Process versus Substance Addictions
In Ernie Larsen's book "Stage II Recovery: Life Beyond Addiction" I began to understand the difference between a substance addiction and a process addiction. When I use the term addiction, I usually think of a drug. Drug addiction is a substance addiction like alcoholism is a substance addiction. As I started my recovery process, I began to see that I had an addictive personality where I sought things outside myself to distract, numb or medicate the dis-ease I felt within myself. Some of these addictions were part of life and I was not able to do without such as food or sex or relationships. I discovered that these are called "process" addictions.
What sets them apart from drugs or alcohol is I can't follow the advice of "just don't take the first bite." I have to eat. I also discovered that these process addictions are tied deeply into our survival programming...that is eating, sex and love or belonging are all crucial to one's being able to successfully continue living. There are strong positive and almost immediate rewards for eating, having sex and being loved.
I hated the places where my darkness took me. Eating junk food and comfort foods and then pretending that I was eating healthy...lying to people which created a fear cycle that perpetuated my emotional eating. Or staying in relationships because I was afraid to be alone only to find myself laying in bed with someone that I felt I didn't love. That is one of the worst feelings to be in bed next to someone I didn't even think I could love. But being too afraid to leave and to live alone and to face the loneliness that I pushed deep inside.
So, those patterns can last what seems a lifetime and they can lead to even crazier behaviors. I've heard of people banned from supermarkets because the manager knows them as the person who eats their way around the aisles and never buys anything. What the manager doesn't know is that person once outside and alone, purges/vomits all that they have eaten. That emptiness cannot be filled with something that doesn't bring love. God, to remember my story and the stories of others is to touch on some real pain.
So, now I use that pain to correct my choices today. I remember the loneliness and emptiness and I ask myself "In this moment am I 100% committed to not emotionally eat?" In this moment before I eat, I can stop the madness by choosing serenity over the insanity.
My favorite phrase is "It's simple, not easy." One day, it will be easier. I know. I have experienced it so. And I will again.
What sets them apart from drugs or alcohol is I can't follow the advice of "just don't take the first bite." I have to eat. I also discovered that these process addictions are tied deeply into our survival programming...that is eating, sex and love or belonging are all crucial to one's being able to successfully continue living. There are strong positive and almost immediate rewards for eating, having sex and being loved.
I hated the places where my darkness took me. Eating junk food and comfort foods and then pretending that I was eating healthy...lying to people which created a fear cycle that perpetuated my emotional eating. Or staying in relationships because I was afraid to be alone only to find myself laying in bed with someone that I felt I didn't love. That is one of the worst feelings to be in bed next to someone I didn't even think I could love. But being too afraid to leave and to live alone and to face the loneliness that I pushed deep inside.
So, those patterns can last what seems a lifetime and they can lead to even crazier behaviors. I've heard of people banned from supermarkets because the manager knows them as the person who eats their way around the aisles and never buys anything. What the manager doesn't know is that person once outside and alone, purges/vomits all that they have eaten. That emptiness cannot be filled with something that doesn't bring love. God, to remember my story and the stories of others is to touch on some real pain.
So, now I use that pain to correct my choices today. I remember the loneliness and emptiness and I ask myself "In this moment am I 100% committed to not emotionally eat?" In this moment before I eat, I can stop the madness by choosing serenity over the insanity.
My favorite phrase is "It's simple, not easy." One day, it will be easier. I know. I have experienced it so. And I will again.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Emotional Eating--Undereating to Overeating
My weight and my body shape/image has always (yes, always) been something that I have obsessed on. When I was a teenager and a young adult, it was about staying skinny. (what a funny word skinny...because literally, it was just skin over my ribs and you could see the top of my hip bones.) I thought in my head that that was attractive. Secretly family and friends were concerned for me.
One of my first recollections of my weight/body obsession is laying on the kitchen floor after my parents had gone to bed. I was in high school and my pattern was to drink as much water before going to sleep so I didn't feel hungry...but the pain. I would drink water until it hurt and I would lay on the floor until the pain passed. I could never share this with anyone because it seemed so "crazy." And it just kept me isolated and alone or lonely. I would skip breakfast or just drink yogurt and then not eat lunch so I had money for junk food later in the day. I would eat dinner, but I was partly vegetarian so I stayed with a lot of carbs and comfort foods.
The result of all my efforts was on graduation from high school, I was 5-10 and I weighed about 120 pounds! My first year in college I was totally vegetarian so my focus on what I was eating kept me away from why I was not eating....feeling empty and unhappy. Years later I discovered that the one thing I could control with my weight was me! That is my desire to have some control in my life while things at home (between my parents) were shakey and my not knowing who I was sexually, where I fit in.....my weight was what I could control. My shape, my waistline was what I focused on and, of course, the number on the scale. A size 28 waist and staying below 130 pounds on the scale.
Well, my waistline has exploded because of all the emotions that I have stuffed inside over the years. I have been doing a lot of work on the emotions and I will continue to uncover and discover more of the beautiful child within that was lost for so long. So this blog post is about my journey back to discover me and to create the home inside me that I have always been looking for and waiting for. As I have heard others say "We are the Ones that We have been waiting for."
One of my first recollections of my weight/body obsession is laying on the kitchen floor after my parents had gone to bed. I was in high school and my pattern was to drink as much water before going to sleep so I didn't feel hungry...but the pain. I would drink water until it hurt and I would lay on the floor until the pain passed. I could never share this with anyone because it seemed so "crazy." And it just kept me isolated and alone or lonely. I would skip breakfast or just drink yogurt and then not eat lunch so I had money for junk food later in the day. I would eat dinner, but I was partly vegetarian so I stayed with a lot of carbs and comfort foods.
The result of all my efforts was on graduation from high school, I was 5-10 and I weighed about 120 pounds! My first year in college I was totally vegetarian so my focus on what I was eating kept me away from why I was not eating....feeling empty and unhappy. Years later I discovered that the one thing I could control with my weight was me! That is my desire to have some control in my life while things at home (between my parents) were shakey and my not knowing who I was sexually, where I fit in.....my weight was what I could control. My shape, my waistline was what I focused on and, of course, the number on the scale. A size 28 waist and staying below 130 pounds on the scale.
Well, my waistline has exploded because of all the emotions that I have stuffed inside over the years. I have been doing a lot of work on the emotions and I will continue to uncover and discover more of the beautiful child within that was lost for so long. So this blog post is about my journey back to discover me and to create the home inside me that I have always been looking for and waiting for. As I have heard others say "We are the Ones that We have been waiting for."
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